Men who have trouble ejaculating are a misunderstood bunch.
Women’s and men’s orgasm difficulties are really very similar. As I explained in my article, "Advice for Men Who Have Difficulty Ejaculating," an orgasm is really just a reflex. Male or female, people differ in what’s called their "orgasm thresholds" — how much stimulation they need to climax.
We’ve come a long way in understanding women’s orgasms. People now recognize that some women just need much more stimulation to climax. There’s nothing wrong with her. That’s just how she’s wired.
But our knowledge of men’s orgasm difficulties has lagged a bit. Lots of couples still put pressure on the male partner to orgasm, and they worry there’s something terribly wrong with him if he can’t.
In the previous article, I showed you four rules to follow if you want to make it easier for a man to climax.
Today, let’s go a little further . . .
As a sex therapist, if you want to be able to help men who have trouble ejaculating, you need to to get comfortable asking them how they masturbate.
Men who have trouble ejaculating tend to masturbate in particular ways. The details can vary. But in working with many hundreds men with trouble ejaculating in sex therapy over the last 30 years, I’ve noticed some consistent patterns.
Here are the most common ones:
Many men who have trouble ejaculating tend to move their hand very rapidly when they masturbate. Especially right before orgasm. To see examples of this, just watch some male porn stars in action.
Many male porn stars have trouble ejaculating. Look carefully, and you’ll see that many of them have to masturbate their own penises at the end in order to climax. If you look at their hands, you’ll often see a very quick motion — something of a blur.
It’s the same for many women who can orgasm by themselves but not with a partner. They need a very rapid stroke — which is something they can easily do by themselves, but that’s not so easy for a partner to do.
Same thing for a man who has difficulty ejaculating. He often needs to go fast at the end — which is obviously much easier to do with your own hand, since you can feel confident of not hurting yourself in the process.
The second element of masturbation technique for many men who have trouble ejaculating is that they tend to grip the penis forcefully — more forcefully than a vagina can grip a penis, and more than a partner might dare to grip it.
Men who don’t have any trouble ejaculating tend to masturbate with a much looser grip. They may use a lubricant as well, since the skin of the penis tends to like something moist.
But for most men who have trouble ejaculating, a loose hand won’t do the trick. You need a really tight grip to get to climax.
Most men who do this kind of forceful technique while masturbating will also tell you they get a better grip with a dry, unlubricated hand. That presents an obvious disadvantage when it comes to ejaculating inside your partner’s vagina.
During masturbation, most men tend to focus strongly on a part of the penis called the “frenulum” — which is on the underside, close to the tip. Men who have trouble ejaculating often concentrate especially strongly on this spot.
The underside of a man's penis is basically just “bubble-wrap” to protect the urethra. Nature supplies both men and women with this protective tissue. And for both genders, this bubble-wrap tends to be erotic.
A woman’s urethra — and the bubble-wrap that protects it — is located at the roof of her vagina. That’s the origin of the so-called “G-spot.”
The most sensitive part of a man’s bubble-wrap is usually right under the head of his penis — just a couple of floors down from the top of the Flatiron Building, above. For most men, that’s the magic spot. That’s where most men who have trouble ejaculating tend to focus all that fast, forceful attention during masturbation.
During intercourse, his frenulum is mostly buried deep inside his partner’s vagina where it doesn’t see much action. So if he’s someone with trouble ejaculating who’s learned to need intense frenulum stimulation, it’s likely he may have trouble ejaculating during penetrative sex.
Once you know these three basic elements — FAST, FORCEFUL, and FRENULUM — it’s easy to see why intercourse might be a problem for a man who has trouble ejaculating.
A woman’s vagina typically can’t move very fast. It can’t exert much force. And for the most part the most sensitive part of his penis, his frenulum, is buried deep inside her vagina where it doesn’t get much stimulation.
So what can be done about this?
You might think all a man who has trouble ejaculating would need in order to fix the problem would be to change his masturbation technique. to stroke his penis more slowly, and with less force, and with more attention to the entire shaft rather than just the frenulum.
That’s often worth trying. And sometimes it does help.
But it’s not always so simple. Here’s why:
Many men who end up using some variation of the FAST – FORCEFUL – FRENULUM technique use it to compensate for the fact that they have a high orgasm threshold. They develop this kind of masturbation technique because they need it — to compensate for their high orgasm threshold.
So in addition to adjusting their masturbation technique, many men find they also need to learn the methods for good partner sex that we discussed in the previous article.
But here’s the thing: A man’s high orgasm threshold isn’t usually something he control, or change.
Just like a woman who needs a lot of stimulation to climax. The only way you’re going to enjoy really great sex with her is to accept her as she is. Same with a man.
As I discuss in my book, Love Worth Making, acceptance is “Vitamin A” for good sex. Without enough Vitamin A, you won’t get very far.
In future articles, we’ll discuss even more techniques for managing this condition. But remember, no techniques have much chance of working unless you accept each other in bed for who you are.
That should always come first.