
Sophie Saint Thomas interviewed me for her September 2015 article on sexless marriage and other sexless relationships for Connections.Mic — “The One Problem 20-Something Couples Have That No One Talks About.”
Following on Salon Magazine’s “The Bed Death of Sexless Marriage is Real,” and the surprising popularity of the Sub-Reddit r/DeadBedrooms, Saint Thomas was most interested in exactly why “bed death” (or Sexless Marriage) appears to be so common these days.
Is it just because we’re the first few generations in which everyone is supposed to be having great sex? Or are couples actually losing their erotic connection more often?.
A 2009 New York Times article by Tara Parker-Pope estimated that that almost 15% of married couples are in sexless marriages (i.e. they haven’t been sexual together for the past 6-12 months). If you count “near-sexless marriages,” the number is no doubt higher. SRI antidepressants may play a role in some cases. ED can be a factor as well, even in younger couples.
Women are more famous for losing sexual desire. The new libido-restoring pill Addyi is targeted for just this market. See my October 2015 article, “25 Things You Need to Know About Addyi – Flibanserin” for details.
But as I told Saint Thomas, in my office it’s more often the man who’s dragged in by his female partner because he’s stopped initiating. Sometimes it’s due to his having lost desire, and sometimes it’s due to other things. Either way, it tends to be a severe stress on the woman he lives with. Women rely on their partners’ erotic attention to feel validated as sexual beings — probably even more than men do, as I discussed in my articles “The Woman in the Mirror” and “Juego.”
Many r/DeadBedrooms readers whose posts Saint Thomas studied were women upset about their male partner’s lack of sexual initiative. Men’s desire is supposed to be automatic, so couples often experience a man’s loss of sexual feeling as an especially serious threat to the relationship.
Here are my notes from the interview with Saint Thomas:
SAINT THOMAS: How common are sexless relationships in younger couples?
SNYDER: We don’t know for sure. I only know that among young couples who come to me for consultation, a relationship that’s gone sexless or nearly-sexless is one of the most common problems for which people seek help.
SAINT THOMAS: In your office, is it more often women or men who’ve lost desire for their partners?
SNYDER: Women’s low desire gets more press (e.g. flibanserin – Addyi). But in my office, it’s usually the man — often dragged to the office by his female partner because she’s sick and tired of not feeling affirmed as a sexually desirable woman.
SAINT THOMAS: Why do men in otherwise good relationships avoid sex?
SNYDER: Here are seven of the most common reasons: